Prior to getting married, I'd been told by a number of people that it wouldn't be any different than it was when we were dating. I was told that the only difference was that there were papers stating that it was a legal relationship. Even Jesse made comments that he didn't think it would be any different for him because he had already viewed us as "married" even if it wasn't legal. Today, I was catching up with all of my YouTube subscriptions and I watched Arnold Telegaarta's "FIRST VLOG AS A MARRIED COUPLE" and he asked his wife(!) Heart if she felt different. She agreed that she did feel different and Arnold explained that he was actually surprised that he too felt differently. I started to think about it more and I realized that getting married was so much more than signing papers and making it legal - it was the beginning of a new and shared life.
When Jesse and I decided to go sign the papers and give up on the circus wedding planning (read about why, here) it was a realization that we were giving up "I" and taking on "we". Not to say that you lose your identity as a married couple, but the focus shifts drastically as a married couple because you are no longer living a solo life. Decisions are made in terms of "us" and what "we" are able to do. When you are dating, this is something that happens, but much less. When I made decisions to do something at school or at work, I didn't feel the need to include Jesse on all of those decisions for the sheer fact that we were dating and I didn't feel as though I needed to harass him with things that he may or may not care to know. Now that we are married, every decision, thought, musing, joke, life goal, up, down, or in between goes through him first. I cherish his input because he is my life partner. I am comforted in telling him that I sneezed, because even if it's not enthusiastic about it, I know he cares to know. I no longer feel as though I'm harassing him with the day to day, I feel as though I'm including him on important aspects of my day, no matter how trivial. This was an interesting shift from dating to marriage that I hadn't expected.
A huge push for marriage for me was my name. My maiden name held a connection to my parents, whom I love dearly, but that was it. I don't have some incredible connection with my heritage that drew me to the last name and often I felt a bit disconnected from the name. After having our son, I couldn't stand the thought of having a last name other than theirs. My husband and son are "Yearley" and I was desperate to share that connection with my family. Being able to waltz into the social security office and say, "Give me my family name!" was a huge and impactful change for me. I felt connected and it made me feel whole.
The most unexpected change for me when it came to being married was that everything from our time dating and before became irrelevant. Often times when you begin a relationship with someone, there is a power struggle between those that came before you and those that could come after. The dreaded comparison of the exes. It seems that this comparison is inevitable and will eventually cause at least one fight, or 207 depending on what type of relationship you are in. I found myself in these predicaments of sadness and discouragement knowing that this person I loved so deeply had been loved (and touched) by another. As our relationship had progressed, these issues became less and less bothersome. After we got married, these issues evaporated.
Note: Getting married does not and will not make your problems go away. Nor is it a good idea to try to use marriage as a band-aid for other issues. Figure things out first or you'll be joining the divorced club.
I never think about what was because I am too busy thinking about what will be. Whomever he shared his love and time with before me, led him to the man he is now. I am honored to share my life with that man and am thankful for all of the learning experiences he had prior. When we got married, it was a realization that what was is done and that mutually we made the decision to make us permanent. I don't fear a break-up because I know that we both agreed on sharing our lives with one another, "till death do we part." And that is a commitment unlike any other.
As Arnold and Heart said in their video, things feel "colorful and more clear". We have moved on from the dating chapter in our book and are focusing on what's to come as a married couple and a family of five (we have 2 cats, don't panic). There are many ways in which a solid relationship and a marriage are the same and I imagine for many people, there is enough of a similarity that the title doesn't matter. For myself, however, I found incredible difference in making it official and am elated that we decided to get married when we did. In August we'll have been married for a year and I couldn't be more excited for that year and the years to come! I'm empowered now, more than ever, as an individual, a mother, and a WIFE.
Xx,
Mrs. Yearley
Note: Reposted from my previous blog.
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