When you tell someone that you are "working on your marriage" it is 9 times out of 10 met with a concerned look and "I'm so sorry! What happened?" I have never had someone say, "Wow that's great! Good for you!" When you read the title of this piece, did you think something was wrong? Why is that? What is the misconception about working on your marriage that makes people think that you've married a deadbeat and that a divorce is on the horizon? I would venture to guess that the societal views of marriage and a lack of drive for this immediate satisfaction culture we're all trying to live in is to blame. People lately seem to be turned off by the idea of having to work for something, whether that be a paycheck or a forever marriage, it's not just being handed to us with minimal effort and that is off putting for a society that thrives on doing the bare minimum for the maximum return. (This is not to say that everyone feels this way, but I'd be willing to bet that a high percentage of this generation does.) The reality is that everything will eventually break if not maintained and treated with respect - especially a marriage. I've learned that if I don't want to join the divorce rate statistics, I need to be active, open and aware in every aspect of my relationship. My husband and I aren't going to be married for the rest of our lives if we don't make it a priority now. This means actively making an effort to meet your partner halfway. It means having the hard conversations now and not ten years from now. It means going to marriage counseling before there are unrepairable divides between the two of us. It means being willing to ask for advice from others when we need it, but never degrading the other to their face OR behind their back. It means being understanding and supportive of the ways in which your partner is flawed and being willing to work on those things as a team. And most importantly, it means knowing that your partner will *never* truly fulfill all of your needs and that is okay.
Meeting someone halfway and not being disappointed that you had to meet them halfway is something that I think a lot of people struggle with. Whether it be a societal problem or a cultural problem, I think that we have this misconception that the man is supposed to meet the woman where she is at. That she shouldn't have to lift a finger or make the trek of meeting her partner halfway and that the man should do all of it for her to show her that she is loved, desired and worthy. While I think that there is nothing wrong with someone going the extra mile to show that they care about and love someone, I think we often lose ourselves in these strange #relationshipgoals threads and forget that a relationship is actually two people. Not one. Both people can and should make the effort to be active and committed to the relationship. Meeting your partner halfway doesn't take away from the love and dedication of the other, it's being willing to do for someone else what you desire be done for you. We often lose ourselves in our own needs, wants, and desires, and forget that our partner may need, want and desire something different - and that that is okay. It's not necessary for us to be identical to our partners and it's okay to have different languages of love in a relationship. The key is being willing to speak that language for our partners as a mechanism of strengthening the relationship.
Along with meeting someone halfway, we run into these situations where we have a fight or a disagreement and we automatically jump to the worst case scenario. And rather than revisiting the issue at a time when you can both discuss and better navigate the problem, we quickly sweep it under the rug in hopes of it disintegrating. For those of us that have made this mistake, you find quickly that the rug can *never* contain the problem, nor does it just vanish. The problems just wait until the rug is removed and everything spills out like glitter. The reality that you'll ever be able to fully clean up the glitter becomes more and more apparent as time passes and before you know it, you're finding bits of glitter in your everyday life, everywhere you go. The good news is that you don't have to sweep things under the rug for your relationship to thrive. Quite the contrary actually. I've found that even if we have to bench something for a couple hours, revisiting the issue has always been beneficial for us. We have spent three years together and never once have we gone to bed mad. God's honest. We have never benched an argument over night. We had one night that one of us fell asleep in the midst of a silent treatment and we ended up waking the other up to finish the conversation so that we both could sleep peacefully. Being willing to have the hard conversations now and not waiting until the glitter is tracked into the car, all through the house, and into the grocery store has been a really beneficial thing for us.
There are always times that we just aren't able to see eye to eye (or heart to heart, maybe?). More often than not, it's that we aren't able to communicate effectively enough, which is okay! We just need a little help in getting there. And let me tell you, marriage counseling has been a God send. Not only have we been able to work out different things that we personally have struggled with in our relationship, but we've started tackling the past issues from our childhoods, teen years, etc. together. The beauty of marriage is that this person is your partner, your teammate and your go to. And what better way for this person to be all of those things than having a basis and a background to build on? My husband wasn't a part of my life until I was 17. And even then, he wasn't my best friend, he was a family friend that was in a completely different chapter in his life at that time, as was I. So for us to be able to each have a safe and unbiased space to unpack our baggage that we've been dragging around with us for however long is really insightful for us. It gives the other a foundation through which to build on as they navigate you and your needs, wants, and desires. We weren't seeking marriage counseling as a means of fixing something that was broken, we sought after a place to go where we could gain some insight for the future. (And a major bonus has been having an hour together away from the screaming tot... (: )
Beyond a marriage counselor, we have also sought out marriage mentors. We met a couple at church in April and have since been so inspired by their relationship. They have been married for over 30 years and have come through every obstacle better than before. We have been moved by this on many different occasions and felt that it would be beneficial to be able to ask for advice from a seasoned couple. We asked this couple to be our marriage mentors and we will be meeting with them once a month to discuss the marriage study that we are doing as well as seeking their personal experiences with various obstacles that married couples navigate (i.e., finances, personal lives, parenting, etc.). The idea being that while we can ask friends or family for input, it can be really helpful to gain unbiased third party insight from a couple that has more years under their belt and hasn't been alongside us in every aspect of our lives. It gives an alternative perspective than we may get from those that know us. A lot of times when we ask friends and family for input it can be given in a negative or biased way. Whether you're frustrated with your partner or not, being disrespectful, condescending and/or verbally abusive to that person (to their face or to others) will only further divide the relationship. If your husband is having trouble putting his clothes in the laundry or putting the toilet seat down, or if your wife is constantly nagging you (about clothes and toilet seats 😂), or is rude when you argue, that is between YOU. In speaking negatively (even if you think you're joking) it paints a poor picture of your partner and I don't know about you, but I'd be heartbroken if I knew that my husband was ragging on me to his buddies at work. Seeking marriage mentors together and complaining daily about your partner to friends and/or on Facebook for a sympathetic "like" are two very different things and I quite prefer the former.
I understand that there are things that your partner is going to do that will drive you crazy and vice versa. I've been there myself. We both have habits and things that we do or say that can irk the other and cause unnecessary issues. But that is the beauty of a relationship. We aren't meant to show up flawless and perfect for anyone, especially our partners. We don't marry someone because they appreciate the flaw free persona we present on the first date. We don't marry someone because they're perfectly smudge free. We marry someone because we know what the other looks like behind the persona, under the photoshop and autocorrect. We marry someone for who they are in their truest and most authentic form. The missteps and the less than perfectly timed jokes may be frustrating in the moment, but are the reason that we continue to grow and adapt with our partners. They are the reasons that we love this person as much as we do. It's okay for them to have flaws, baggage and obstacles to overcome, because that's what makes them fully authentic. The reality is that nobody will ever check off every box on the "Perfect Partner" list. And that is okay!
There is nothing more detrimental to a marriage than expecting someone to fulfill all of your needs perfectly. As humans we are utterly incapable of being everything for everyone - even ourselves. There will always be voids that just can't be fulfilled. For us, as believers, that void is only ever filled through Christ - our higher power. Whoever or whatever that may be for you, I think that majority of us feel something bigger than us guiding our lives. Whether that be daily or when something comes together in the most divine way, I'd guess that a vast majority have felt something parallel to a higher power guiding the way. And for me, that is the closest I have ever felt to having every void fulfilled. Knowing that there are deep, sad, and often dark spaces in my being that are unreachable by my partner can be disheartening. But knowing that the Holy Spirit can and does fill those spaces with light and love is so humbling and grace filled. And the best part is seeing those voids in my partner being filled by Christ as well. Nothing encourages me more than seeing the Holy Spirit guide and work through my husband. I love to see the movement in my husband's heart, knowing that he is experiencing the same joy and hope that I am. Jesse will never be my God nor will I ever be his. Together, through the grace of God, we get to experience the Trinity and the love that is bestowed on us both, together. That is true fulfillment.
Working on our marriage is an every single minute, hour, day, week, month, year, lifetime commitment. We work hard, seek guidance where we can, and we give all that we can to Christ. We didn't get married for status, taxes or requirement, we got married because we love each other, because we are a family and because spending the life we have on earth together has proved to be something incredibly special. So next time someone says, "We're working on our marriage!" I encourage you to wipe the concern away and respond with, "Congratulations! So are we!" or "I hope to have a marriage like that one day too!"
Xx,
Mrs. Yearley
Note: Reposted from my previous blog.
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