To Whom It May Concern:
Depending on who is reading this, I may be your daughter, niece, granddaughter, wife, sister, friend, in-law and/or distant acquaintance.
Whoever I am coming to you as, let's start this letter with the truth, my truth.
I love you.
Yep, I do. Whether we are at odds, haven't spoken in eons, had a falling out, or are in constant contact - I love you. That hasn't ever changed. And if you truly know me, you know that.
There was a time when each of us spent time together, laughing, playing, creating, living, t h r i v i n g. We did this as a team. In whatever capacity, whether family or friend, we were a unit that celebrated life together. Somewhere along the way there was a shift. Something slipped to the wayside, someone had their feelings hurt, and together we gave up. We let ourselves forget what we used to be and we held on to what would eventually drive us the furthest apart - our pride.
The best thing I've learned over the last year is that the opposite of love is not hate, but pride. Our pride convinces us that regardless of the situation, we were right. And that with that rightness comes hardheadedness, the inability to apologize, and the ultimate demise of whatever was.
The reality is that there is never a situation where we can't accept some sort of blame. Whatever happened, happened because of everyone involved. Whatever your involvement or even lack thereof, there is inevitable guilt to be held because we are human. It's the reality of where we are in the world. We are not, nor will we ever be, perfect. We make mistakes. We say things we shouldn't. We don't say things we should. We think things we shouldn't. We hurt people we love. We hold onto our egos tighter than our loved ones in an effort to save face. And for what? So that we still have those faces left when we're all alone in the end?
Pride and ego keep us from truly living our best lives because we are unable to love without restraint. We love under certain circumstances. We love as long as our needs are met and our requirements are being met by the opposite party. We love as we see fit. Instead of filling the world with the love that we can freely give, we keep it tucked away and use it as a mechanism of control and manipulation when the occasion calls for it.
I am equally guilty of this. I too harbor resentment and hold my pride in higher regard than the people I truly love and care about. Not a day goes by that I don't sin. I do my damndest to not do so, but I do. I am not perfect. I am not guiltless. I am to blame for a number of issues that I face on a daily basis.
The difference for me now is that I am raising a child. I cannot spend my life hiding behind my pride and stroke my own ego all the while expecting my child to grow up to be a positive, loving and kind person. I want my son to know that the raw truth of life is that his mama is as broken and as full of sin as anyone else in the world. I want him to know that I have made and continue to make mistakes. I want him to know that somewhere along the way, mama really messed up. Whatever the situation, whatever the circumstance, I made more mistakes than I'd ever planned to make.
But more importantly, I want him to know that I take full responsibility for all of my mistakes. Each and every one of them over the last 25 years.
I was not as kind as I should have been.
I was not honest when I should have been.
I was not loving when I should have been.
I was wrong when I did everything I could to be "right".
I hurt someone's feelings.
I broke someone's heart.
I didn't listen when I should have.
I gossiped and let rumors flourish.
I judged others without hesitation or second thought.
I gave in to peer pressure.
I broke the rules.
And as I continue to go through life, I will inevitably add to this list. It's the unfortunate and heartbreaking reality of being a human. There is absolutely no possible way for me to avoid each and every one of these things. I can and will always strive to be the best version of myself, but in the end, I will absolutely slip up. In one way or another, I'll find myself adding to this list and regretting that there was ever a list to begin with.
For each of the things on my current list, I want to say with the most sincerity I can muster
I. Am. Sorry.
My intentions have never been malicious or ill-intended. I've never felt an evil desire to be nasty or hurtful. I've never tried to go out of my way to shatter someone or make them feel unloved or alone. I am a person who thrives in love and family and friendship. I find peace in the fullness that life has to offer. But I have been and will be guilty of letting my ego get in the way and allowing my pride to be bigger than my ability to understand and forgive.
To my family - both immediate and extended:
I'm sorry for not being the family member you wanted me to be in any and all circumstances both past and present. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I'm sorry for making you feel alone or discouraged. I'm sorry.
To my friends - both old and new:
I'm sorry for not holding up my end of the deal but expecting you to do so for me. I'm sorry for not being more active in our friendship. I'm sorry for putting our relationships on the back burner while I clothe myself in a cloak of pride and arrogance. I'm sorry.
To myself:
I'm sorry for what I've done so far in my life. I'm sorry for the negativity that I've allowed to consume me. I'm sorry for the hurt that I've caused, the bonds I have broken, and the pride that I've allowed to come between me and others. I'm sorry.
I truly believe that in this brokenness comes great humility. I am aware of my faults, my flaws, and my inability to be perfect. And I am apologetic for my wrong-doings over the last 25 years. There are so many moments that I look back on and wish that I had handled things differently than I did, but the truth of the matter is this - I am exactly where I am meant to be. I did exactly what I was supposed to in those moments because it has brought me to this exact place in my life.
I can say without hesitation that no matter the issue, I am sorry for my fault in it. I should have handled myself with more grace than I did and it's not fair to any of you that I didn't. I will do my best to be a better, more graceful and loving version of myself in the future. I promise that if and when I make another mistake, I will be humble in taking the responsibility for those mistakes - against the will of my pride and ego.
I'll leave you all with this:
I am still here. I always have been and always will be. I love each and every one of you, regardless of what was said or wasn't said, what was done or wasn't done. No matter how many years, miles, or issues distance us I will always be your daughter, niece, granddaughter, wife, mother, sister, friend, in-law or acquaintance. And for that, I am truly proud and grateful.
Xx,
Alex
Note: Reposted from my previous blog.
Comments