Hey friends! I know it's been a little bit since my last blog. As eager as I was to get this blog series going, I ended up running into a bit of a brick wall. What I referred to as "writer's block" to my husband, was in many ways a personal hang up because in a lot of ways I don't feel qualified to write this blog. The intention here is to recount what I've learned over the last decade in friendships. There are many lessons that have been learned and experienced over the last 10 years, but to find a way to eloquently articulate such lessons feels almost impossible. In some ways it feels as though I would be sharing lessons that are still in progress effectively calling the legitimacy of my testimony into question. What can I bring to the table authentically, while still seemingly in the midst of the fire?
It's been this question that has held me back from fully engaging with this blog because it feels like perhaps it needs to be off limits until I'm more "qualified" in this area. But what determines qualification? If I were to tease that question out, I'd probably rattle off a list of things that I know I'm not so as to reinforce the idea that I'm not able to write this particular blog. However if I'm being truly honest the only "qualification" for being able to share about anything in life is, in my opinion, the experience. However messy or unfinished it may seem, it's the experiences in life that allow us the space to share what has become our own truth and understanding. Whether it be seasoned with all the right answers or overcooked in what feels like failure, it's these things that I want to share authentically.
In the other 4 drafts (yes, 4...) that I have written for this blog, each of them was lacking something. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly wasn't quite right, but nonetheless, I wasn't pleased with what I had come up with at that point. In retrospect, I think that each one of the previous drafts was leaving out the full truth. While I most certainly shared my honest thoughts and feelings, I was leaving out the fact that I am in the midst of dealing with the very things I wanted to write about. This isn't a blog where I share the difficult lesson, what was learned and how beautiful things are now. This is a blog where I'm in the midst of the refinement and the hard stuff and nothing feels quite clear. If anything I feel more lost than I do anything else.
But why not share that? Why not tease out where I'm at here, in my safe space? So that's what I decided to do today. I decided that in order to get this blog written and have it feel like something I'd be proud to share, it needed to be messy. It needed to be the one that doesn't have the answers.
Over the last 10 years, I have had nearly every single one of my close friendships end in dramatic, knock-out, drag-out explosions. Each situation was filled with nasty words spewing evil depictions of hurt hurled around like ping pong balls. All in the name of self-protection and the inability to see every side of a story for what it is and move on. It's been awful and messy and hard. Really hard. There has been a lot of pain that I've experienced over the years that has felt suffocating at times. And each time that this kind of thing occurs, it's hard not to wall off even more. Why even attempt to be in community when this is what you get out of community? Why give to others that only ever take? Why be honest when your honesty will be punished?
These questions have become the ping pong balls being hurled around in my own mind. Each time the questions hit a nerve and for a moment I feel nearly paralyzed. Because I don't know the answer to any of these questions and I fear that until I do know the answers I'll be floundering in community or the lack thereof forever. It feels isolating. And downright sad.
However in the midst of these deeply painful and totally valid feelings and experiences, I'm learning more and more about myself. I have always been a person that accepts and welcomes introspection. I always want to be striving to be a better version of myself. I'm open to refinement because I know that the real change happens during the hard stuff and not just after the fact. I'm not changing because I was verbally assaulted by someone I called a friend. I'm changing because I observed during the verbal assault that I was more in control of my responses than I may have been when I was a teenager or even in my early 20s. I was more able to allow the disgusting things being hurled at me to go unanswered because I was more intentional with myself. I was less concerned about needing to defend myself and more concerned about what was being refined during those moments of direct attack.
This kind of realization is not one that I would have had as a young girl with an insatiable need to defend myself against any and every thought or word spoken against me. I needed to prove myself to anyone that thought I was something other than what I believed I was because it was vital to my sense of self at that time. I needed people to know that I could stand up against them and that I was better than they were saying I was. I needed to be right and I needed to have the last word because I fervently believed having the last word meant that I won. That poor girl lived in the depths of deep sadness because no amount of defense is beneficial when the words are falling on the deaf and the actions are falling on the blind. No matter how hard I fought, how dirty I could play, I never truly won because at the end of the nasty and distasteful use of words I was using as weapons, I felt guilty.
I am now incredibly intentional about how I use words. That guilt has never been and will never be something I enjoy experiencing. The young girl that I once was still lives in me. When faced with a trying friendship or a hurtful experience with a family member, that girl is the first one to jump into action. "Let's fiiiight! You know you want to!!" she shrieks from a deep pocket of my being. "Let's prove ourselves as better than them!! Let's show them how to use words as weapons! They'll never be as good at it as we are!!" And then it's the current version of me that has to hold her hand, sit her down, and remind her that that's not how we handle things anymore. I remind her gently that we use words because they are meant to be communicative and healing, not weaponized for the sake of the fight.
That lesson is the lesson that I have learned in friendship throughout these particularly traumatic years over the last decade. It is not the one that you'd find in a magazine article entitled, "Do this one thing and you'll have the best friends forever and ever." This lesson is the one that allows me to better understand myself and how to translate that into every area of my life. It's the lesson that has allowed me to understand that no matter how much time has passed, no matter how much refinement I feel like I've already gone through, or how much pain I've had to endure, we are always going to be flawed. We will never be out of the season of refinement. We will never be done growing, learning, or changing. We are a broken people, friends. We come to the table with an overflowing suitcase of baggage.
Through friendships, both active and inactive, I've learned that there are a number of different types of people that can (and should) make up a community. I've learned that there are some that will come to the table with a much larger suitcase, slamming it down as yours falls to the floor. I've learned that there are those that will come to the table having left their suitcase at home because their baggage is meant to be private and endured alone. I've learned that there are those that will appear to be helping unpack yours, but will likely resort to pulling out different things and throwing them violently back at you. I've learned that there are some willing to come to the table and share in the slooow unpacking of your baggage as well as their own. In each of these examples, there is something to be learned and there is growth to be had. And most importantly, I pray that I continue to be a person that willingly evaluates which of these people I am and how I can best communicate in whichever circumstance I may find myself in.
I pray that when I realize that I've slammed my suitcase down and let someone else's fall to the floor that I apologize with humility and make space where mine was once taking over.
I pray that when I'm at a table that seems filled by someone else's much larger suitcase, I communicate with grace and respect that I am more than willing to help them to lighten their load and that my suitcase is equally deserving of that same care and intention.
I pray that when I see myself planning to leave my suitcase at home out of self preservation and protection, that I bring it anyway.
I pray that when someone shows up to the table seemingly empty handed that I inquire and remind them that not only is their suitcase welcome, it's encouraged.
I pray that when I find myself attempting to throw something from someone else's suitcase back at them, that I have that intentional conversation with the little girl within attempting to fight, reminding her of why we don't live in that space anymore.
I pray that when I myself am on the receiving end of something being thrown, that I understand that not everyone will be meant to be involved with the unpacking of my suitcase. And that that is okay. It doesn't communicate failure, it communicates wisdom in discernment.
I pray that when I find myself at the table with another person or group of people with suitcases in tow, that I will engage and be engaged with. That I will be able to invite others into my baggage that feels mucky and disorganized without hesitation. That I will ask the questions and seek to be a good listener and support, regardless of what is unpacked.
Over the last decade, connection, community, authenticity, intentionality, and understanding how to be an effective friend while having effective friends myself there have been a lot of mistakes. Things haven't always gone according to plan and a lot of times I've landed right on my face. But what has become even more important has been how I've been able to navigate each of these situations. Being refined is inevitable, but making space to feel the refinement, to experience it head on, and sit in the uncomfortable has been the real journey. Having community and friendships is vital; we are built for just that. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be pain free. It doesn't have to be flawless. It can be messy. It can be confusing. It can be hard. And you know what? You don't have to have all the right answers.
I know I don't. But I'm learning. And I hope you are too.
Xx,
Alex
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