It was MOPS Tuesday and I was ready. I had been looking forward to this particular meeting as it was the last one of the semester and it was expected to be a great meeting. I had everything ready to go and would be heading to the church after I got Jesse and Wyatt dropped off at their respective locations. After dropping Jesse off at work, Luke started pushing like he was going to the bathroom. I thought, "Okay, I'll change his diaper when we get to the bus stop and we'll still make it to the church on time." But then he started crying - hysterically. In the rearview mirror I could see the pain he was in. "Not again...," I thought.
Constipation has been a reality for my little guy since the day he was born. His digestive system is wonky and often doesn't perform as it should. We've been to the doctor more time than I can count, went through so many different formulas, and now have to monitor his diet fairly closely so that we can be sure he doesn't have any issues. However the week prior to this particular Tuesday, I made a mistake and hadn't removed the dairy from his dinner. In a blur of mom life, wife life, and "everythingelseIhavegoingon" life I forgot. His digestive system on the other hand did not.
By the time we got to the bus stop (a 15 minute drive from Jesse's work) he was red, screaming and stiff as a board as he tried to push. I was heartbroken knowing that not only was he in pain, but that there was absolutely no way I could drop him off at the daycare at MOPS. Every bit of me felt sad. I have had numerous moments over the last couple of years where I've had to make sacrifices for him. And I'll tell ya right now there is no other option in the world I would choose when it comes to my son. There are very few things that are more important than him and his well being and if that means sacrificing something I'd like to do for something I need to do there is no question. But for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this time and I was devastated. Jesse had forgotten something in the car and I had to head back to his work quickly to drop it off. By the time we got there I was the one who was hysteric. I couldn't stop crying. In the parking lot of Jesse's work, through a billion tears, I sent an email to my fellow MOPS mamas that I share a table with to inform them that I couldn't make it. Nothing about that email was easy for me and I truly felt as though I was giving up something I'd so desperately wanted.
This sacrifice felt massive to me and I couldn't figure out why. Why now am I so sad? MOPS will start again in the fall and there will be plenty of incredible meetings to come. Why does it matter this much? After sharing the story with a few people, it became clear that it wasn't the sacrifice itself that had me in an emotional rut, but the overall realization of my job title and what comes with it. Being a mom is the absolute hardest job I have ever had in my life. Seriously nothing in the world can compare to parenting and nothing will ever come close. And the reality is that I take this title damn seriously. Being a mom isn't just something to tell my classmates at our high school reunion, or a hashtag that I use when I share something on social media. Being a mom is my identity. It's the person I became at 12:13am on July 11th and I will never look back. The old me is long gone and a mother took her place. A *m o t h e r*. And I'll do whatever it takes to live up to that title and fulfill the job description to the best of my abilities. I have had a bunch of moments where I've seen what being a mom is about, but in this particular moment, I realized just what it takes to do this fully.
Looking back on that day, I realize that a lot of my tears weren't of sadness, but of the overwhelming opportunity I have in being "Mama." I get to make these sacrifices for my son. I get to be his comfort when he isn't feeling well. I get to be his superhero when he needs saving. I get to be here to help shape his identity. I get to be here. And that is the greatest thing I've ever been given. Motherhood is beyond anything I could have *EVER* imagined and some days it can be super tough to navigate. But the moment I made the decision to take my son home and let him rest instead of toughing it out at MOPS for my benefit, was the moment that I knew there was going to be a million more of these situations in the future and that regardless of what I want at the time, my son will always take precedence.
I will be faced with these decisions in the future, but I am so incredibly blessed to be Luke's mama and I will forever hang on to that fact. Whether I am cancelling plans or waking up in the middle of the night to tend to my son and his needs, I will always be grateful for the moment I became "Mama" because it is by far the best damn thing I've ever done (next to marrying his daddy😉).
So here's to the sacrifices, the tough decisions, and the tears that may come with it. In the end, we're living up to a title that isn't for the faint hearted and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Xx,
Mama Yearley
Note: Reposted from my previous blog.
Comments