As a first time mom, I remember feeling inundated with this overwhelming feeling of dread as I scoured forums about motherhood and parenting. I remember feeling the immense confusion and worry as it pertained to anything and everything related to having children. From conception on, it seemed like there was a debate about everything. It was early in my first pregnancy that I had heard about mom guilt.
According to an article on healthline.com "Whether you've never heard of mom guilt or can't escape its relentless grip, it simply means that pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may “mess up” your kids in the long run."
This definition pretty much sums up the experience of mom guilt and how difficult it can be to navigate whether you are a first time mom or Michelle Duggar. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I battled mightily over the course of my first pregnancy and still to this day now with 2 kids, I am at war with the dreaded mom guilt.
It was during a conversation with a dear friend and mentor that the concept of mom guilt began to really puzzle me. She explained that for her generation, mom guilt wasn't a thing that was ever discussed. They raised their kids as they had been taught to by the generations before them and they moved on. A key component of this, in my opinion, was the lack of forums available for comparison then. Today, a cornucopia of forums are ready and waiting at your fingertips while mom guilt stands on call, ready to go into battle at the slightest suggestion. But something about our conversation triggered this question in my mind about mom guilt and whether its existence was in the negatives, positives or somewhere in between. I began to notice myself experiencing said mom guilt over what I would refer to as the "celebratory moments" in the last 14 weeks of my daughter's life. I realized that this was an interesting topic and I decided to look at it a little closer. What I've learned about mom guilt, no matter what the circumstance is, the heart of the issue is really perception. It's how the mom is perceiving said situation as well as how she assumes she is being perceived by others as a result. Whether it's a seemingly positive or seemingly negative situation, it all comes down to what we perceive a positive or negative situation is as it relates to parenting (or anything else for that matter). I don't believe that any of us are right or wrong we just define it differently. This is summed up for me in the top two questions I get as a mom with a newborn.
1. "Did you get an epidural?"
After having Sis, I was asked a few times about the birth. The question that I had been most excited to answer now filled my heart with dread. All throughout pregnancy I had prayed about the epidural and hoped that I would be able to avoid it this time. I didn't feel like it was beneficial to me when I had Luke and overall seemed like more of a negative than a positive. During delivery they asked me several times if I wanted it and when last call came I gave my final answer of "no". I cannot express enough what that answer did for my delivery but I can say without hesitation that I found a woman hidden inside of me that I had not only never met before, but never would have believed existed if I hadn't met her that day. Not having the epidural was an experience I will forever cherish and I feel so proud of myself for being able to say no and stick to that despite the extreme pain and the numerous suggestions from the nurses. So why not celebrate this? Mom guilt. Not because I felt like I made the wrong choice, but because I was concerned about how I would be perceived by others. I feared that people would find me arrogant or lacking in humility. I never wanted anyone to feel like I was saying that the epidural was a bad choice or that by not getting it I was better in any way. If I celebrated not getting the epidural, was I being a jerk to those that had?
2. "Does she let you sleep?"
This question still to this day brings me a level of panic that seems to come back to the perception of me and my fear that at any moment I could be considered as someone who lacks in humility. I am by no means perfect, nor do I "have it all together". I am still trying to establish my footing like a baby giraffe with too much leg and not enough balance. (Except that that is a terrible example as I have never in my life had too much leg... But you get what I was going for, right?) When it comes to sleep, Lynae has always been a really good sleeper. In the beginning she was up 2-3 times in the night and has now been sleeping through the night. It's something that I could do a jig about because it's such a breath of fresh air after experiencing many a sleepless night with Luke. He was terribly fussy and experienced a lot of digestive difficulty. He was rather tough and he cried a lot during the newborn phase... as did I. It was very hard, so I am certainly no stranger to that struggle. Which perhaps is where perception really comes into play. I was once an extremely tired mama myself (and many days still am...#twokidlife am I right?). I know how defeating it can feel to have another mom make it sound like they have it all together when you're in the trenches begging your infant to close their eyes for just a little longer. I never want to be adding fuel to the already raging fire that is mom guilt.
There are numerous examples I could give here, but these are the two that I have been wrestling with the most. The extreme desire to be perceived in a particular light is something that as a society I think we face a lot more now than in previous generations because we are living in an "all eyes on me" culture now. If you aren't an "Instagram Mom" what are you even doing? #NOTdoingitforthegram?
However it manifests, mom guilt seems to come down to our fear of perception and how we believe that can then alter the image of ourselves we have tried to present to our "followers". For me, I desire most to always be humble, kind and respectful of others. Is that going to be depicted if I'm always in the end zone excessively celebrating? No, probably not. But that doesn't mean I can't have a touchdown here or there where I slam that ball into the ground and do a choreographed dance for the audience... (Still too much? Up for debate.).
At the end of the day, this mom thing is hard. Parenting in general is unlike any other experience I've ever had. We do the best we can with what we have and what we know at the time; an ever-evolving journey. I battled mightily with the violent mom guilt fire as a first time mom, fearing that any decision I made was the wrong one. And this time, I'm battling yet again with the same fire except now it's because I feel like in making some good decisions I stand to be persecuted if I even think about celebrating those. Regardless of the fire, the accelerant is the same - the fear of perception and the associated risk of fueling the fires of the other mamas in the trenches should my celebration be too excessive (think - drunk Tom Brady after his millionth Super Bowl win).
Here's the thing mamas... parenting is hard enough without placing the unnecessary burden of perception on ourselves. We can't control how others will perceive us. All we can control is how we love our babies, how we support ourselves, and how we celebrate each other along the way. Whatever decisions you make, however you choose to take on motherhood I see you and you're doing a fabulous job! Cheers to you mama!
Xx,
Mama Yearley
Note: Reposted from my previous blog.
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